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Roula Khalaf, Editor of the FT, selects her favourite stories in this weekly newsletter.
Of all that was said about Tom Stoppard after last week’s news of the playwright’s death, it was striking to see how many times people mentioned his manners.
They were “famously good”, said fellow dramatist, Patrick Marber, and “even courtly”, added theatre critic, Nick Curtis. Actors remembered a man who was “very kind” (Tom Hollander), and “clever and kind” (Harriet Walter), while the writer, Harry Mount, devoted an entire article to “the extraordinary manners of the late Tom Stoppard”.
At one level, this makes sense. The famous are not always known for their humility and grace. Today, the most famed of all might tell a female reporter to be “quiet, piggy” or post an AI-spawned video of himself in a fighter jet dumping what looks like great loads of poop on his critics below.
But the praise for Stoppard’s manners was also a reminder of one of the ongoing mysteries of corporate life: when courtesy and thoughtfulness are so prized and admired, why do so many people keep behaving so poorly in the office?
I think of this each time I email someone I know with a minor request and hear back nothing. Not a peep. I think of it again when I message a far busier person who writes back quickly and helpfully. As I type these words, I realise I have almost certainly been guilty of not responding myself. I can only plead pressure of deadlines, travel or general uselessness and say that I am, belatedly, sorry.
Apologies, or the lack of them, are another baffling aspect of office manners. How is it that outwardly sensible adults can consistently sail into meetings 15 minutes late, or bury themselves in their phones in the middle of a one-on-one meeting, with no word of apology or explanation?
We have all been late and we have all had to check urgent messages, so we understand when someone has to do such things — except when they do it repeatedly and ignore the imposition on others.
The peculiar thing about all this is that rudeness is so self-defeating. Treating people the way you would like to be treated yourself does not merely make others feel happier. It makes them feel better about you. When circumstances sour, as they always do at some point in working life, it helps to be liked.
Reminders of this self-evident truth pepper the pages of The Curious Case of Mike Lynch, a new book by journalist Katie Prescott on the tech billionaire who died when his superyacht sank last year while he was celebrating his acquittal on fraud charges.
Lynch was undoubtedly a brilliant entrepreneur.
But one wonders if he would have landed in quite as much trouble had he not had a management style Prescott describes as so terrifying that he bullied staff to near breakdowns and left one group of former staff, all men, calling themselves “battered wives”. Others compared working for him to being in prison.
“It is not fucking acceptable,” he once reportedly yelled at a senior female executive, Poppy, now Baroness, Gustafsson, when the office internet stopped working. “I swear if I could squeeze down a telephone line to California you would get to know directly how the f*** I feel about this,” he emailed another underling.
Lynch was, one hopes, in a minority.
Another example of good manners helping the good mannered is the simple, cheap, yet inordinately effective act of saying thank you.
Why more people fail to do this never ceases to amaze. It’s not as if the idea is new.
One of my favourite explanations for the importance of gratitude was made by the American writer, David Sedaris, in a 2018 commencement speech at Ohio’s Oberlin College.
“It’s just common sense,” he told the assembled graduates. “People like doing things for people who are grateful.”
Writing a thank-you note to your grandmother for a $100 graduation gift practically guarantees she will cough up more money if needed down the line, he added, “not because you asked for it, but because you’re grateful”.
He has a point. I do not mean to suggest prolific thank-yous guarantee a pay rise. But I am sure managers who take the time to thank and praise the deserving are rewarded with more hard-working and loyal staff. Ultimately, good manners add to the sum of human happiness, while rudeness does the opposite. Clever people know this. Avoid the rest if you can.
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