There’s a quaint term — etiquette — that applies to good manners. From setting the dinner table to using tactful language, past generations have largely tried to maintain some decorum.
Etiquette still resonates with many retirees. Younger people may act respectfully but disregard formal aspects of etiquette that older folks continue to live by.
“I think older people are more considerate,” said Lisa Mirza Grotts, a San Francisco-based etiquette expert. “They’re more apt to use honorifics and offer their seats [on a bus] to others. They’re just much nicer.”
The challenge for older individuals is keeping track of ever-changing social mores. With everyone glued to their phones, some may wonder whether they even need to maintain polite eye contact in face-to-face conversation.
If they receive lots of texts, can they respond with an old-fashioned phone call or is that uncouth? If their grandkids send a link to their social-media post, what’s the appropriate response?
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Adapting to the digital age can require adjustments, says Grotts, the author of “A Traveler’s Passport to Etiquette.” If you get a text, replying by text is often your safest bet. If you’re participating in a family Zoom call or group email chat, it may take practice to chime in succinctly and ask trenchant questions rather than hold court and tell long, rambling stories.
“For older people, speed is their enemy,” Grotts said. “They’re not used to the pace of life” driven by constant pings and 10-second videos.
Then there’s the question of whether etiquette itself is outdated. It was once the norm for a male to open a door for a female — or let women exit the elevator first. Today, it’s sometimes less clear what people expect — and what’s appropriate.
Here are four etiquette tips for seniors:
Making introductions. When introducing someone, don’t just say the name (“Jan, I want you to meet Ron”). Instead, add a biographical tidbit (“Jan, I’d like you to meet Ron, my son visiting from Utah”).
The additional information serves as an icebreaker. It’s a springboard that enlivens the conversation. Just make sure to speak slowly and enunciate, especially if you’re addressing seniors.
“A lot of older people are hard of hearing,” Grotts said. Speaking too fast, mumbling or swallowing the end of your sentences can make you unintelligible.
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Paying for restaurant meals. There’s no rule that the oldest person at the restaurant should pick up the check. Some retirees enjoy taking their family and friends out; others, not so much.
“Never assume anything,” Grotts said. “If an adult child is able to foot the bill, by all means they should. It’s a way of repaying all that the parent did in raising them.”
Alternatively, the host usually takes the check. Whoever initiated the outing and chose the restaurant might want to act as the responsible party.
Writing condolence cards. Many seniors are accustomed to writing thank-you notes and condolence cards by hand, which remains the gold-standard protocol. They don’t need to be told to avoid emailing their expressions of grief or posting their thoughts and prayers in a social-media platform. (Exception: If friends and family communicate via digital health journals such as CaringBridge, sending supportive online messages is fine.)
What do you write? Ideally, use the deceased’s name as you fondly summarize what they meant to you or how they influenced you. For some reason, we often refer to the dead person in generic terms (“So sorry about your husband”) rather than mentioning their name.
Discussing your health ailments. When friends ask about your health, respond with a crisp overview. Don’t delve into the details unless they follow up and dig for specifics.
As much as you may want to open up about your health travails, there’s no guarantee others want to hear all about it. Giving too much information up front can drive away potential allies who might otherwise provide practical tips or rally around you when you need a helping hand.
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